Hallowe'en Grab-Bag Fund Raiser

Special Hallowe'en Grab-Bag
& Legal Defense Sale
.

This sale is a special cash-raising event for my legal defense fund. I've recently been unjustly arrested for throwing the frying pan (which didn't sell at the Spring 2000 Yard Sale!) through the window of a vacant store in the hideous Oteseraga Country Mall. My action was not a senseless act of vandalism nor did it result from my having been in an intoxicated state, a thoroughly vile rumor some people in town seem to believe and have no compunction about spreading. (Just wait until they're served with papers!) My views on the mall are well known to the readers of my site and very well known to most of the residents of Centerboro who have seen me now and then picketing the mall and speaking out publicly against the complete imbeciles responsible for its construction. My defense rests upon the fact that I have gone off my medications because they cost way more than my limited income budgets for. This obviously accounts for my unusual behavior with respect to the recent frying pan thing. I am positive that I will have no problem convincing even a semi-intelligent jury of my peers of my diminished capacity. Although I will be representing myself, I will still need a substantial amount of money to prepare my case, for I intend to go into the entire story of my head injury, all the malicious campaigns launched against me, the history of the urban renewal idiocy which destroyed downtown Centerboro, etc., etc., etc.--and the costs of preparing all the audio-visual materials, handouts, equipment rentals, and so forth are going to be quite beyond my means unless I receive enough money from readers like you who want to see me get everything I deserve! Therefore, if you are interested in any of the items below, simply e-mail me the item number and I will reserve it for you. Payment is strictly cash or postal money order--no personal checks!--within ten days of my notifying you that you were the first to put in a claim. By the way--absolutely no returns, of course!

A 1000-piece farm puzzle

Item 1

Here is a very nice 1000-piece farm puzzle which I do not have the inclination to put together ever again. Freddy fanatics who are drawn to the bucolic setting of the series may not have anything much better to do than to waste time putting together puzzles judging from the copious amounts of time they fritter away reading about their little Bean farm friends, and they are welcome to plunk down $50.00 for this item. (Sold).

Toy lead farm toys

Item 2

A nice little collection of lead farm animals and accessories (which Herb and I played with as children and which is doing me no good whatsoever in a box in my attic) is available for a measly $200.00. If you should be the purchaser of these toys, I would keep an eye on the kiddie-winkies to make sure they do not place them in their mouths as the potential hazards of lead poisoning and choking do exist. You will not find a single chew mark on any of the pieces of this collection, but one of the cows is missing a horn which Herb broke off. (Sold)

Two Hallowe'en witch hats

Item 3

Need a natty hat for your Hallowe'en party this year? Here are two party hats which I saved from my parents' estate after my mother passed away and my father had to be put in the County Nursing Home. The hats are black and silver and in nearly mint condition. The one on the left is missing its chin string, but I'm sure you're smart enough to improvise a fix. Perhaps some waggish fellow thinking of dressing as a woman for the big office Hallowe'en bash this year might find a creative use for these? These items must go as a pair, and you need dig no deeper into your wallet or purse than to find a trifling $350. (Sold)

A spiffy pig ashtray

Item 4

What a truly spiffy item! Yes, it is a pig ashtray, and once upon a time when I smoked like a steam-powered tractor, I had the pleasure of stubbing out many thousands of cigarettes in this receptacle, particularly after the publication of Freddy Goes Camping. It has been many years since I have enjoyed the considerable satisfactions of smoking. Under my doctor's care I am releasing my feelings of resentment toward those who in the past have vilified me. He insists that I part company with the frying pan mentioned in Camping some time ago (which in a way I have as it is now in the sheriff's evidence locker), and now I am ready to let go of this, one of the last symbols of my hostility toward my tormentors, most of whom have passed away and can no longer mount attacks upon my character anyway. Believe me, it was easier to give up cigarettes than revenge and resentment, but my doctor says I must if I am to enjoy the rest of my days. OK, the ashtray is yours for $150.00. (Sold)

Item 5

Wow! My old Hallowe'en noisemaker--very keen! Kind of Jinx-like, I think. I am selling this because I doubt whether I'll be out trick or treating any time again. I am putting it up for sale for $250, but I won't ship it until November 1. I'm thinking of rattling it on Hallowe'en at the windows of the little miscreants across the street. Perhaps having to stay up a few nights again with her wretched brats will teach their bovine mother not to complain about the alleged "scariness" of my Hallowe'en pumpkin this year as she did--very loudly--last year. I know she will suspect me, but I will be able to tell her quite truthfully that I have no such cat creature in my possession. You know how important the truth is to me. (Sold)

Item 6

Irresistible, isn't it? Serving no useful purpose whatsoever, this item exists only to delight the whimsical admirer of "The Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys," and who could not admire such splendid creatures. I don't know whether these little "Wacky Wobblers" are still in production, but I believe they are not. Therefore, I consider this a true collectible (unlike the characterless, boring Beanie Babies or those insipid Hummel figurines or anything from the Franklin and Danbury "Mints"), and I offer it for only $80.00. Can't you just visualize this little bright vibrant pink monkey prominently displayed in your otherwise drab and lifeless cubicle at work? Can you not just imagine the stares of admiration you will receive from all your co-workers? Come on--live a little! (Sold)

Item 7

Need a break from the much over-rated reality? Dear friends, I offer a splendid temporary diversion! Yes, you no longer need to lavish hours and hours in the sometimes tricky care and feeding of a sea monkey colony! This all-ages item is guaranteed to occupy your mind and perhaps even cheer you up for up to one whole hour--or my name isn't Edward Henry Anderson! I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a little less reality and a little more virtuality, and this keen program is just the ticket for a low, low $150.00. (Sold)

High-quality ceramic piggy

Item 8

This high-quality ceramic piggy is up for grabs to the quickest among you! It is inconceivable that it will not be snapped up immediately at the stupefyingly low price of $100.00. It is nearly one foot long and its slotted top suggests any number of uses, limited only by your imagination, for this remarkable piece of utilitarian art. (Sold)

Copper foil art

Item 9

"What on earth?" you are probably asking yourself. It is, if I may say so, a very nice reproduction of a Wiese illustration from Freddy Goes Camping done in relief on a sheet of copper. I made it myself during "hobby hour" at the jail once upon a time. This item hung right over my workbench in the toolshed for the longest time, but when my doctor visited my house to see what I would need to get rid of, this was way up there on his list. Therefore, I reluctantly part with it now for $400.00, cheap, I think, for the quality of craftsmanship, and besides, how often will you have the opportunity to obtain an authentic Freddy-related artifact straight from the heart of Centerboro? Hardly ever, right? So what are you waiting for?

Item 10

I've saved the best for last! What have we here? Another authentic Centerboro artifact? You bet! A very rare Sylvester "Sniffy" Wilson & Sons business card from the 1940s, I'd say. I found it in an envelope of ancient receipts I was shredding and thought it would make a dandy item for my next Internet Yard Sale. But as my cash needs are rather immediate, I'm putting it up for sale right now for the bargain price of $750.00, a piddling sum to be sure if you are a true collector of Freddy memorabilia. When sewer lines were installed throughout Centerboro, Sniffy's business tanked and so did he. (See Sniffy's entry in the Centerboro Necrology.) I am sure that this is the only one of Sniffy's cards around, so here's a chance for you to acquire a remarkable item and make a significant contribution to my fund. Thank you very much.

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