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I
am starting off this sale with the best item in it, and I can hear jaws dropping
all across the planet! Any visitor to the picture pages here at my website cannot
help but gasp in astonishment at this item and race to his or her piggybank. Yes,
it is a lady's compact with an absolutely splendid sunset scene of downtown Centerboro,
a scene which many of you will instantly recognize. My ex-wife Harriet owned this,
and it was one of the few items she left behind when she flew the coop with that
%*$$@# Pomeroy &@+^@($. I guess she didn't put much value on the thing,
and maybe taking it with her wouldn't have helped her to put her memories of Centerboro
behind. But I suspect that those of you who would gladly have called old Centerboro
your hometown wouldn't mind parting with a little cash to own a piece of its
good old days. You can --but only if you hurry--for the low, low
price of
$1,500.00
(Sold.)
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Here's
a collection of little piggies for Freddy fans. I used these little rubbery, plasticky
pigs as b.b. gun targets, so they are a bit pockmarked and dented, but anyone
who plunks down good money to read the repellent Freddy books probably wouldn't
mind spending a buck each for these little guys. Let's see, that would
be eight times a dollar, but I'll let them all go for
$7.50
(You're Too Late. Sold.)
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Here
is my old, yet fully functional Radio Orphan Annie Secret Society decoder from
way back in 1935 when I was a lad. It still works fine--guaranteed. I don't say
that it's a powerful encryption device which must be kept from falling into the
wrong hands or exported to unfriendly or suspicious countries, but it could definitely
help you come up with computer passwords. It may even help you decode passages
relevant to your financial situation in the Federal Tax Code before April 15.
I believe that this vintage item which retains such a high degree of usefulness
and beauty must command all of
$399.99
(Sold.)
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This
little canoe emblem was the official club pin of the now-defunct Oteseraga County
Sportsmen's Club. I was a member briefly and sported this pin at the club meetings
and about town until they drummed me out at the insistence of C. Jimson Camphor
(a member of its board of trustees) following a certain unpleasantness inaccurately
depicted in Freddy Goes Camping. It is in super-fine condition and, yes,
the pin on the back is intact. The ruler may be for grabs at my next sale,
but for the pin, let's say an even
$153.49
(Sorry. Sold.)
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Ah!
I wonder if the bidder who purchased Frederick's 1932 Post's
Junior Detective Corps booklet in lot #2 of my Internet Yard Sale 2000 would
be interested in this item. I came across this old Post premium badge while
rummaging around in an old box containing some household items I helped to rescue
from the Beans' house fire many years ago and which I simply forgot to return.
I am fairly certain that this nifty little item (which must certainly have accompanied
the booklet) belonged to none other than Frederick Bean himself, although Jinx
or Madeline may have been the owner. The booklet wound up in a Bean farm scrapbook
and didn't suffer any damage at all at the hands of Freddy; however, this badge
is not what I would exactly describe as in mint or near-mint condition, because
the pin on the back is a little bent. But the badge will display well!
I offer it for a mere
$400.00
(Sold.)
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Here
you have an old postcard from old Centerboro, splendid in its bizarreness. I am
selling it on consignment. I have no idea what it means, and neither does anyone
else I have asked. The card was glued to some kind of thicker gray paper, and
the whole thing shows its age and wear. But wouldn't this make a simply marvelous
addition to your collection of Centerboro items anyway? You bet it would,
and in order to beat all the others who feel the same identical way, you'd better
get in gear and send me
$175.00
(Sold.)
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This
is an old pencil box featuring a barefoot bumpkin pursuing a spotted pig over
hill and over dale. I purchased it at the Tushville flea market years ago to keep
drill bits in, but since I don't drill anything anymore after that little accident
which has left a portion of my right thigh permanently numb, I guess I can bear
to part with it. The bits will be on sale at my actual yard sale at the end of
May, but I thought I'd give you a chance to buy the box if you can't make it to
that sale. How much for such a novel item with a sort-of connection to
the Freddy series? I wouldn't mind seeing it go for
$139.00
(Sorry. Gone.)
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Upon
my return from my most recent abduction by Martians, the police said that I was
clutching this 17-inch item in my left hand. After I was able to retrieve it from
the evidence locker at the station, I wondered for the longest time what it might
be. Only after a dream in which the Martians communed telepathically with me did
I finally learn what it is. It is the fossilized tooth of a ferocious Martian
yekkat, a now-extinct creature which I have mentioned before on my site. I do
not remember the circumstances under which I came into possession of such a remarkable
object (for 99.99% of my experiences while abducted are totally beyond my recall
even under hypnosis), but I have no need for this tooth which seems to emanate
a kind of vibration that fills me with nameless dread, a vibration which easily
penetrates several layers of lead foil and two oven mittens. I offer this stunning,
valuable, and one-of-a-kind item to you for an astounding
$10,000.00
(Better Luck Next Time. Sold.)
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For
the true fan of Walter R. Brooks who must have one of every single Brooksian
artifact in existence, here is a Mr. Ed talking hand puppet which I found in a
trash can in Sibney Memorial Park. I don't know what it would have said, for the
talking mechanism has been damaged. Perhaps some clever reader can repair it.
Perhaps you'll want to buy this puppet for parts. Whatever your pleasure, it's
all yours for
$342.00
(Sorry. Sold.)
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This
is the last of my tins of bug powder, the only one left after my garage sale last
summer. It has not been opened, so even though it's pretty old, it's doubtless
still as potent as if it had been purchased at the Busy Bee yesterday--that is
if the Busy Bee hadn't been demolished years ago. I'll level with you. "Body crawling
insects" does mean lice (of all sorts)--but I hasten to point out that many lice-free
camping expeditions I've been on were made even better through the miraculous
power of this substance. Whining clouds of mosquitoes? Hah! They take one whiff
of this stuff and off they go! Daddy long-legs? They won't be crawling over your
face in the middle of the night! A light dusting around your dinner plate will
keep even the sturdiest ants and hornets away! I'm all done camping out, so this
Lucky Heart Laboratories product--perhaps the last tin in existence--is available
for
$2.00
(See You Next Year. Sold.)
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One
of the last of my old ashtrays, here's one for the fans of Jinx, the Bean farm
cat. If you're enough of a moron to still smoke despite all the warnings and scientific
findings and are bored with the ashtrays you've stolen from hotels or actually
purchased, or if you just want a dandy little smoking accessory for your collection
of such things, I personally suggest you buy this item right now! I have stubbed
out probably fewer than 100 cigarettes in this nearly-new receptacle, so I am
not at all embarrassed to ask you for
$55.00
(Went Quickly. Sold.)
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This
novelty item was left on my porch by an anonymous well-wisher. It reminds me of
the unpublished (unpublishable?) manuscript Freddy the Salesman. Porky
here is utterly vulgar, so why would you want such a thing? Well,
you just might find it handier than you imagine in any number of painful social
situations which call for a quick dose of poor taste. Suppose, for example,
you have taken someone out on a first date to a fancy restaurant (or ristorante
or bistro). You have both exhausted your supplies of inane social chatter,
and the conversation has fallen into an uncomfortable and possibly terminal silence
as you wait for the bill. Suddenly you remember the Porky Pooper in your blazer
pocket (or purse)! You tell your date, "Close your eyes and open your hand--come
on, trust me," carefully position the jelly-bean loaded Porky, and before you
know it, you'll both be gasping with laughter or you'll know if you ever
want to ask this one out again! I leave it to your imagination to come
up with other scenarios in which the Porky Pooper might prove its utility, but
if you want "oinking good fun," it'll cost you
$39.99
(Sold.)
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A truly spiffy Kellogg's Corn
Flakes premium, this "Pork Chop" mask was one of a series (some of which today
would not be politically correct at all) that could be cut out and donned
after following a few simple instructions. I always intended to make a dart board
out of this somewhat disconcerting visage, but was always too busy with more important
projects. This is another of those "sort-of" Freddyish things that I
hope you will not be able to resist at the ridiculously low asking price
of
$200.00
(On Hold)
(Now Sold.)
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Here's
another cereal premium for you. I remember cutting it out of the side of a box
of cereal back in the fifties, but I cannot remember the cereal brand. I suppose
that cutting and assembling this thing and then wearing it around my neck at a
costume party at the Moose Hall may have diminished its value somewhat in the
eyes of collectors of such ephemera, so I'll ask only
$150.00
(Sold.)
(I will autograph this item
upon request free of charge!)
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Here is an autographed photo
from one of the Bean family albums. It is shakily signed in slightly spluttery
fountain pen by Mr. Brooks. On the back is a penciled notation to the effect that
this picture was taken at a talent show contest at the Cinema Palace and that
Mr. Brooks (the front half of the donkey) and Ollie Groper (the back half) are
performing with Priscilla Belette. (There's more about Miss Belette in my interviews
with her here and here.)There
is no mention of who won the contest or the exact date of the event. I suppose
that Mr. Brooks participated in this show just for larks during one of his visits
to Centerboro. I offer this incredible unframed and slightly murky photo for only
$783.00
(First Item To Go! Sold.)
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