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The Reports of My Demise
Were Greatly Exaggerated!
As I stood in front of the
newspaper office on May 8, 1998, my prepared statement in hand, I suddenly realized
that trying to explain my so-called “mysterious disappearance” and equally
mysterious re-appearance in Centerboro would be futile. No one would take
the word of that Anderson nut, I thought to myself. No one would
believe that the last thing I remembered before finding myself standing sans
clothing in my front yard looking at a "For Sale" sign stuck in the lawn was boarding
my old army buddy John McCurdy’s boat. Certainly no one would believe
my theory that I had once again been abducted by the Martians who had gotten wind
of my plans to publish their plans for this world. I’m sure they have frequented
(and continue to monitor) my Website as a part of the routine surveillance
they keep over me and others who are aware of their presence and plans. They must
have become alarmed because of my growing readership and took advantage of my
being alone on vacation in an isolated spot to "beam me up." As I looked over
my old site, I noticed in the (now deleted) “Coming Attractions” that
I had plans to publish "Recovered Memories of Mars: Startling Revelations That
Will Change Your Views of the Universe and Our Place In It!!! Incredible! Truly
Astounding! Due for Publication Here on May 3, 1998. Everything Else Can Wait!"
Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what I was going to reveal. Absolutely
none. My brain feels as though the part that stored my memories from the end of
April to May 6 has been selectively scrubbed with Lava soap. I'm sure
the Martians believe that I have been completely discredited now and are having
a good laugh. So, I guess the only thing to do is to pick up the pieces and carry
on in the hopes of establishing The Truth™. First though, I’d like to
address several matters of very great importance to me.
- Although I got all of
my furnishings back shortly after I took my house off the market, my Sears Craftsman
riding lawn mower is still missing. Whoever took it--I want it back! The
same goes for all my lawn display materials and silverware.
- Thank you to the Centerboro
Free Library for returning all of my books, especially my research collection
of Freddy the Pig. You were most understanding, and you’re still
in my will.
- To Whom It May Concern
at Harvard University: I have received your return shipment of my belongings;
however, my diary and scrapbook from 1955 are still missing, and I'd appreciate
their return post haste.
- “Huey,” I really
meant it when I said last May that if I didn’t get everything back within
one month that I was going to “blow your cover”! I’ve stuck by
you all these years, and I expected better treatment than you gave me when I reappeared
and wanted back the stuff I left you in my will. I don’t really mind
that you drank that bottle of whiskey. That I can understand. And I was
glad to get back the Purple Heart, the peanut shells, the PEZ dispensers, etc.
Thank you very much. But letting your son wreck the Mustang and refusing
to tell me where you've got the Studebaker stashed? Okey-dokey, then—HERB.
There! Yes, “Huey Muddle” is Herb Garble. Do you hear that, everyone??
Herb Garble, who vanished and lived under a rather obvious alias.
Herb Garble, who steals cars! These days, he lives alternately in St. Petersburg,
Florida, and Twin Buttes, Montana, and it’s too bad that the statute
of limitations makes it impossible to punish him for his Centerboro antics. But
maybe someone in Twin Buttes or St. Petersburg can get him for something else
more recent! I myself have asked Dougal to begin proceedings! (By the way, Herb,
your sister agrees with me 100% on my decision to expose you!)
- To the CHS music department,
many thanks for the return of all my donations. To the science department, I still
can't understand how you could be so negligent as to let my Sea-Monkey®
colony die! Thanks for giving me back my other stuff, but you are
O-U-T of my will!
- Dougal, how can I thank
you enough for all your assistance in unravelling the legal tangle my disappearance
caused?
And now, regarding the status
of my Website, I’ve decided to publish this second edition, including most
of the first edition (with numerous revisions and editing)--except I’ve gotten
rid of the “Coming Attractions” feature because I don’t want to
tie myself down to specific projects in the future, and I never liked it anyway
because some of you were always pestering me: "You said you'd publish this
or that, so where is it?" I will continue to add to and update this
edition if and when I feel so moved, so if you bookmark the site and check
back occasionally, who knows what you'll find! I promise that I will continue
to publish The Truth™ here, to set records straight, to inform the ignorant,
to amuse the intelligent, to delve into the true chronicles of Centerboro, etc.,
etc. So you’re welcome to visit again if you like, and equally welcome not
to.
I am appending next a number
of items from the first edition that might prove some day to be a valuable
documentary record of my April 27, 1998, abduction by Martians. You can scroll
down through all of it or click on entries in the table of contents below to get
to where you want to be more quickly.
Appendices
Contents
Email
Messages Relating to My Abduction and the Ensuing Mess
- Subj: [freddy-the-pig]
EHA on Vacation
Date: 98-04-24 16:45:35 EDT
From: MrEha
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
Dear friends, hasn't it been
fun on the Freddy list lately? Too much excitement for me, though. Just to let
you know that I'm going on a little jaunt up north to the St. Lawrence River.
One of my old Army buddies has kindly allowed me to spend some time alone at his
cottage on one of the islands, and I'll be up there for a few days--boating, reading,
relaxing, etc. When I return, I plan to publish some startling information. I
have begun to recover some of my missing time and memories! Check my site around
May 2 or 3rd. You'll be glad you did! BFN, Your friend, Mr. EHA
- Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998
15:48:05 EDT
From: Muddleh
Subject: [freddy-the-pig] Edward is gone.
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
Ed Anderson has passed away.
He asked me to contact this group in that eventuality and to post some information
at his Web site I guess there's no more to say here.
- Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998
18:03:53 EDT
From: Muddleh
Subject: [freddy-the-pig] Ed's Last Will and Testament
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
I have been in touch with
Dougal, and he informs me that Ed's will is going to be read within the week.
As a final tribute to Ed, I'm going to put it on his Web site. Check in now and
then to see if it's there. It should be running at least until the end of May.
- Subj: [freddy-the-pig]
Reading of Ed's Will
Date: 98-05-03 18:53:46 EDT
From: Muddleh
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
Ed's will is being read tomorrow
at 10 A.M. in Centerboro. I'll try to post it at his Web site, which is still
up and operating, by late afternoon. Dougal tells me that someone he knows in
Watertown, New York, faxed him an article from Saturday's paper about Ed's accident.
There's some detail in the article that he wants to talk to me about tomorrow,
so maybe I'll have something to pass on to you. HM.
- Subj: [freddy-the-pig]
The Will is Posted
Date: 98-05-04 20:36:09 EDT
From: Muddleh
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
Ed's Last Will is at his site
now. I'm going to be leaving Centerboro for home this Wednesday, and since there
won't be any more reason for me to write to you after that, I probably won't.
But before I go, I'll try to get that newspaper article about the police investigation
into Ed's accident out to you. HM.
- Subj: [freddy-the-pig]
Watertown News Article
Date: 98-05-05 20:26:19 EDT
From: Muddleh
To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net
Just posted that article I
told you about at Ed's site. I decided to drive home starting tonight in that
Mustang Ed left me. Can't wait till the wife sees it! It's going to be swell cruising
with the top down under those big skies and hard to keep our youngest boy from
behind the wheel, you bet. Just to let you know, you won't be able to get in touch
with me anymore. Well, I guess I'll be saying good-bye now.
Back to
"Contents of Appendices"
In
Memoriam
Edward Henry Anderson
Born October 31, 1920
Died April 27, 1998
Dear Reader: Edward was a
dear friend of mine. He asked me to publish this memorial for him at his Website
in the event of his demise. It is the text of his obituary which appeared in the
Centerboro Guardian today, April 29, 1998. I would like to interject a personal
comment first, though. Contrary to his undeserved bad reputation among an ignorant
minority, Edward was a wonderful man. He was, in appearance and deportment, a
gentleman through and through. His friends’ lives were enriched by his sense
of humor and love of fun, his unstinting generosity, his knack for stimulating
thought and conversation, and his odd, yet strangely compelling “take”
on the world. His true friends, I first among them, will miss him. (-HM-)
Edward Henry Anderson,
retired businessman, WW II vet
Edward Henry Anderson, 77,
a life-long resident of Centerboro and son of Harold and the late Gwendolyn (Macy)
Anderson, is missing and presumed dead as a result of a boating mishap on the
St. Lawrence River on April 27. A member of the Centerboro High School class of
1939 where he was a member of the Radio Club, the Drama Club, and the Junior Business
League, he enlisted in the United States Army shortly after graduation, served
as a radio operator in World War II, and was awarded a Purple Heart. After his
Army discharge, Anderson returned to Centerboro where he started his first business,
Anderson Realty, which he ran single-handed until his retirement in 1986. He also
owned and managed a hotel and two apartment buildings. Anderson, a novel character
on the Centerboro scene, enjoyed many hobbies. He was an avid astronomer, accomplished
amateur musician, gourmet cook, traveler, and raconteur. His holiday lawn displays
attracted a great deal of attention and comment. Survivors include his father,
a resident of the Oteseraga County Nursing Facility and a cousin, Dougal Anderson,
Esq., of Jupiter, Florida.
Back to
"Contents of Appendices"
Last
Will and Testament of Edward H. Anderson
Here is the significant portion
of Ed’s Last Will and Testament. He did not ask that I publish it at his
Web site. In fact, he probably wouldn’t like it that I have. But as a last
tribute to him, I thought I might be forgiven if I did. You can see for yourselves
what a kind and generous soul Ed really was. As Marc Antony said, “If you
have tears, prepare to shed them now.” BFN, Ed, from all your friends. (-HM-)
I, EDWARD H. ANDERSON,
of Centerboro, County of Oteseraga, and State of New York, being of sound mind
and memory, do make, publish, and declare this my last Will and Testament, in
manner following, that is to say:
FIRST. I direct that
all my just debts and funeral expenses be paid as soon after my death as practicable.
SECOND. All the rest,
residue, and remainder of my property, of whatsoever nature, both real and personal,
and wheresoever situate, I give, devise and bequeath absolutely and forever in
the following manner:
To my beloved Mrs. Humphrey
Underdunk, in eternal gratitude for our happy years together, the entire contents
of the wall safe behind the Martian landscape painting in my study at 45 Clinton
Street.
To the Centerboro Free Library,
my entire research collection of Freddy the Pig books, at least forty-one volumes
in number, to be sold at their next used book sale at no more than $1.00 per volume,
the proceeds to be used to purchase materials for the Library’s adult literacy
program and under the following provisions: (1) under no circumstances shall any
Freddy book be sold to a book dealer, and (2) sales shall be limited to one book
per person, first come, first served. All other books in my study may be sold
for whatever price the Library can obtain, the proceeds going to the aforementioned
program.
To the Science Department
at Centerboro High School, my Sea-Monkey ® colony, my 10-inch Newtonian telescope,
my ham radio set, and my scientific notes and papers.
To the Department of Psychology
at Harvard University, my letters, journals, scrapbooks, notes, diaries, floppy
disks, and computer hard drive as previously arranged.
To my old friend "Huey
Muddle," my Purple Heart, the contents of my toolshed, my Lionel train set
that we loved when we were boys, the bottle of Cobbs Creek Whiskey we never got
around to drinking after the War, my mint 1942 Studebaker and 1965 Ford Mustang
convertible, the shoebox of Martian peanut shells if it has not already been sold,
and my collection of PEZ dispensers which he always coveted.
To the Music Department at
Centerboro High School, my accordions, metronome, original musical scores (including
the Martian Spring and Martian Summer libretti), all harp-accordion
duet recordings, and the kazoo collection.
To my cousin Dougal Anderson,
of Jupiter, Florida, my house, real estate holdings, and otherwise undistributed
personal property at 45 Clinton in thanks for the many kind services he has rendered
me gratis and without too many questions over the years.
LASTLY, I appoint my
cousin, Dougal Anderson, as the executor of this, my last Will and Testament,
with full power and authority to sell and convey, lease or mortgage real estate,
hereby revoking all former wills by me made.
IN THE EVENT that Dougal
Anderson predeceases me or is otherwise unable to act as such Executor, then and
in that event I nominate and appoint the Attorney General of the United States
of America.
Back to
"Contents of Appendices"
Watertown
Newspaper Article on Ed’s Disappearance
Here’s that article I
promised I’d post here. Ed never did anything the easy way, and this article
proves it. I guess that’s all there is to report. I’m leaving for home,
now that all the legal stuff is over with in Centerboro, so I guess it’s
good-bye, so-long, and farewell. (-HM-)
Mysterious Disappearance
The mystery surrounding
the death of Edward H. Anderson of Centerboro, NY, on April 27, has deepened.
Police report that no body has yet been found in or along the St. Lawrence River,
and that this is unusual in such a case. Captain Thornton Bryant of the Alexandria
Bay Police Department stated: “We expected to recover the body of the drowning
victim by now. We’re really stumped. It’s like he vanished into thin
air.” Witnesses reported seeing Anderson leaving the dock in the Chris-Craft
Silver Arrow belonging to his friend John X. McCurdy, at whose Wellesley Island
cottage he was vacationing, at about 10 o’clock the morning of the 27th.
Minutes later a report of the unmanned, drifting vessel was called in to Alexandria
police by other boaters. A rescue team was immediately dispatched to look for
Anderson, but an extensive search yielded no results. Several baffling details
have emerged in the course of the police investigation. Under a tarp in the McCurdy
cottage backyard, a large number of rolls of aluminum foil and a powerful radio
transceiver were discovered. A still-open file titled “Startling Revelations
That Will Change Your Views of the Universe and Our Place in It!” was discovered
on a computer in the cottage, but the file contained no other information. Police
theorize that Anderson may have been taking a break from composing when the boating
mishap occurred. The Alexandria Bay Police Department asks riverside residents
between Wellesley Island and Massena to call with any information leading to the
discovery of Anderson’s remains. They also ask anyone with information about
Anderson’s activities up to the time of his disappearance to contact them
as well.
Back to
"Contents of Appendices"
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