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FAQ #11

Question: Where you at the 1998 Friends of Freddy Convention?
Answer: No, I was not! Let me draw an analogy for you. I am antimatter to the F.O.F.'s matter. Should I come into actual contact with Freddyites, the results would be utterly catastrophic! We would all vanish in a blinding flash of pure energy!
Well, maybe not exactly. But I do believe the Friends of Freddy probably feel about me what a litter box feels about a cat.

Question: We think that you are a Martian agent and that this website is another diversion concocted by the Martians to deflect belief in their existence. We also think that you might be a Martian yourself, or at least some kind of hybrid, with the power to create through telepathy the illusion of being a human being. Is this correct? Would you send us a DNA sample?
Answer: I think that you are out of your blinking minds. First, if I were a Martian agent, I wouldn't be living the life of a retired real estate agent in podunk Centerboro, would I? I'd most likely be in some position of real power where my influence would reach millions or billions, not the few dozen readers of this site. Maybe I'd be the the Speaker of the House, or the Pope, or the CEO of a large advertising agency or publishing house, or some "musician" with wide appeal among the young. Second, if I were a Martian or hybrid with the powers you describe, how could I possibly exert them through mere static text and images on a website? Surely you don't believe all that nonsense about subliminal messages. Now do you see how full of kishka your theory is?  And NO, I'm not going to send you a DNA sample, and I'd better not catch any of you going through my garbage cans looking for one.

Question: I've never seen a complete set of Freddy books. Could you show us your collection?
Answer: I don't see any harm in that. Other more interesting things you see in this picture are my old Andy Panda bank, a couple of big marbles from "back then," a few of my old lead spacemen, ducks, my first slingshot, a collapsible camping cup, a hand-carved camel from the Middle East, a little plastic Ferris wheel, a neat little tin locomotive (hard to see), a Ford radiator cap, and a Cheshire cat that Mrs. U. gave me.

The Usual Short Answers to Infrequently Asked Questions

• A communist? No, I'm not a communist. What have I said or done to make you think such a completely asinine thing? I am a 100% all-American entrepreneur who actually served his country in the Army. Can you say as much?
• The Martians' feet look pretty much like their hands, and they do run on all sixes sometimes. And, boy, can they go fast! I'd estimate they can move along at about 20 m.p.h. for up to half a minute before they poop out in the stronger gravity of our planet.
• Ernest Bean was Freddy's first cousin. Ernest's second son was called Weedly, but his given  name was really William, after his uncle, Freddy's father. Ernest and his wife Cora had a little place over by Macy's. That's about all I can remember, and I don't know where they got the nickname "Weedly." Oh, yes, I almost forgot--Ernest had narcolepsy. Back then no one knew what to call it, and everyone, especially Cora, thought he was just plain faineant. Do you like that word "faineant"? Pretty nifty, eh?
• If I were you, I'd soak the navy beans overnight the next time.
• Dear LC: You could try this site: JLB.
• My second favorite Lem book is A Perfect Vacuum. For more info: SL.
• It was Fred Alan Wolf (not Fred Allen) who said, " 'To be or not to be' is not the question; it is the answer." I don't know what the hell he meant, either.
• I don't object to blue food as long as it tastes good. I had some blue corn chips at a reception once, and they tasted just like any other corn chips.
• No. Why would I buy Freddy float pens when I can buy 10 stick pens for $.89. And don't tell me I'm missing the point.
• Yes, I did finally sell the magnificent "Yekkant" sculpture; unfortunately all I could get for it was the going rate for scrap iron.
• Kate Mulgrew could fly my saucer any day, but don't tell Mrs. U.
• Well, I suppose the whole universe could have been created one minute ago, and all our memories could be illusions created at the same time. But how would that make any real difference in the lives we are living in the present moment? Don't you have anything better to do than think about weird things like this?
• Voltaire's Thumb is probably long out of print. I don't know the publisher, but I remember reading it in the 1940s if that's any help. I don't know if Blutenfuss wrote anything else.
• My flapjack recipe: 1 cup of flour, 1 tblsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. salt, 3 tblsp. wheat germ, 3 eggs, 1 eight-ounce container of plain yogurt, and 1/2 cup milk. These are delicious and healthy--much better for you than Dixon's Puffy Fries.
• No, I don't think I will be posting a "photo tour" of my house here.
• I'll think about that "five favorite movies" question and get back to you, and no, I don't like those "colorized" versions. It's a Wonderful Life is a little too sentimental for my tastes.
• Dear "ET": You can stop sending me your "glamour shots." First of all, I do not open file attachments unless I know from whom they come (even though you claim I should know you) and/or if they are virus-free. Second, I am interested only in Mrs. U.
• Yes, it's true. Petey and Herb and I once did try to duplicate Ben Franklin's lightning experiment. Perhaps one day I will tell that story in "Tales Out of School." Where did you hear about this?