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FAQ #17

Question: Are there sites related to the Bean Farm chronicles other than the official Friends of Freddy page and yours?
Answer: Here's a handful of links for you to check into. There are undoubtedly many more such Internet sites; however, I leave the rest for you to find as I have other more important projects on my agenda such as my Y2K Eating Plan, a scholarly monograph, and walking my doggie. (Note: As of July 24, 2006, only one of these sites was still active.)

• Jinx Comedy Club
  (Could it be? He always was quite the joker!)
• Wiggins and Associates Inc.
  (In need of milking supplies? Make this your first stop.)
• Two Clicks Consulting
  (A cunning Martian front perhaps? Or perhaps not.)
• Dixon Chicken Wing Site
  (For those of you who thought I made that story up! Hah!)

Question: Are you planning any more contests? Are you ever going to have a prize that isn't a Freddy book or T-shirt? What about a cash prize?
Answer: I have nothing definite planned right now. I've been thinking of not having any more contests because of a lack of interest among the all-too-typically listless Freddyites. I'd poll them on this issue, but I'm sure there would be no responses. In my last contest, wherein a simple guess was all that was required, I received exactly one legitimate entry. ONE! Talk about lethargy! As far as a cash prize--well, I believe I have mentioned that I am on a limited income (if you don't count the monthly allowance Mrs. U. gives me which must be used exclusively for our dining out, entertainment, and travel expenses) and that I have been reduced to working for a large discount chain store.  EEI is operating at a loss right now as well. There will be no cash prizes. However, I still have my "ruptured liver" ashtray, and I think that might be the next prize since free Freddy books evidently do not interest the Freddyite population.

Question: If the Freddy books were made into a non-animal, non-animated movie, what actors and actresses, living or dead, would you have play the major characters?
Answer: It makes me shudder to think of a Freddy movie. It makes me positively shiver to imagine the abominable, increasingly more insipid sequels. However, your question has stimulated a level of cerebral activity in me that I cannot ignore--much as one cannot (indeed, must not) ignore a stabbing pain in a molar for long, so here are my nominations for some of the bigger roles:

     Jinx: Soupy Sales or Alan Alda
     Minx: Meryl Streep
     Charles: Don Knotts
     Henrietta: Madeline Kahn or Freda Jackson
     Mr. Bean: Buddy Ebsen
     Mrs. Bean: Frances Bavier
     Uncle Ben:  Ed Wynn
     Mrs. Wiggins: Patricia Routledge
     Hank: Jim Nabors or Tom Poston
     Herb: Jack Nicholson
     Me: Cary Grant
     Mr. Boomschmidt: Zero Mostel
     Mr. Camphor: William Powell
     Bannister: John Cleese
     Mr. Metacarpus: Andy Devine
     Jacob: Don Rickles
     Leo: Tony Curtis
     Old Whibley: Spencer Tracy or Raymond Massey, maybe.
     Simon: Robert Mitchum
     Wesley: Walter Mathau
     Alice and Emma: Josephine Hull and Jean Adair
     Freddy: Marlon Brando or Orson Welles--but not the younger, svelter versions of either

(Don't know who these actors and actresses are or were? It's probably because you're young! Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Perhaps this question would be an interesting line of inquiry at the freddylist. It would be something to talk about at any rate. Could it possibly spark some discussion? I doubt it, but it might be worth a try.
     
Question: Any marriage plans yet?
Answer: Mrs. U. and I still have no plans to wed. We like our arrangement just the way it is, especially since the little talk there was about it ceased many years ago.

Question: What about the mystery of Francine Margarine's disappearance? How did she disappear?
Answer: Well, if we knew how she disappeared, there wouldn't be a mystery, would there? I will go into the circumstances at a later time. Or maybe not.

Question: Did Freddy really have a pilot's license?
Answer: Unfortunately, yes, he got licensed despite crashing Johnny Guild's trainer. He used his skill to smuggle cigarettes and alcohol across the Canadian border with ease, taking off and landing in the Bean upper pasture, USA

Short Answers to Infrequently Asked Questions

• Yes, I read The Onion occasionally. Sometimes it is humorous, and sometimes it is puerile.
• Why "Chloe"? Well, I have always been an admirer of rustic maidens, and one's dog should have at most a two-syllable name.
• The Martians destroyed the Nike missile base near Tushville just before their departure. It was not dismantled by the U.S. government.
• When Mrs. U. and I go to Montreal, we stay at the Delta on Sherbrooke Street West. It takes just minutes to walk to the Jazz Festival activities from there.
• No, I never tried Earth shoes. Too hideous. I'm sorry you have a warehouse full of them. Perhaps you could unload them via a church mission if you don't want to simply throw them out.
• This is what Dan Quayle had to say about Mars: "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (Vice President Dan Quayle, nominal world leader, 8/11/89) For more Quaylespeak, go here: The Dan Quayle Quote Hall of Fame.
  

Special item: Mr. Dale Frederickson, history buff and scholar of things Bean, has recently discovered a very important line of inquiry with respect to the Bean family history, and I pass it along to you, dear readers, for your thoughtful consideration. Mr. Frederickson suggests a possible link between the famous Judge Roy Bean and William Bean. I have begun preliminary investigations at various genealogical archives, but I have so far been unable to determine with certainty the connection if any. If only we could judge by appearances alone, it would be manifestly obvious that there is a genetic bond between Roy and William. Just compare the picture of Roy Bean sent to me by Mr. Frederickson with the picture of William taken from a Bean family photo album. Note especially the left eyebrow of each! William--the real William, not the fictionalized Brooksian version--was born in 1890. Roy Bean was born in 1823 and had two brothers, Sam and Josh. All of them moved out West and stayed there. There are many tangled branches in the Bean family tree, and if I remember, I will let you know what I find as I clamber around amongst them. However, for now, I consider the fact that the "Hanging Judge" kept his pet bear Bruno in his courtroom the most compelling evidence for kinship! What do you think? Is Roy Bean related to the Centerboro Beans? Judge for yourselves.