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FAQ #30

Question: I noticed among the "splendid" awards your site has won that there is something called the "Bean Farm Award." What is it for? How can I get it for my website?
Answer: This soon-to-be-prestigious award is granted by a local group which semi-jokingly calls itself the Silverback Club of Centerboro. The award is bestowed upon folks who use a personal, non-commercial website for any of the following ends: to praise the good old days; to champion the virtues of small-town life; to rail against the stupidities of wretched excess, materialism, and the consumer cult; to promote voluntary simplicity; or to encourage literacy--especially in the young. If you are interested in getting this award legitimately (instead of just copying it <i.e., ripping it off> from this site), you may fill in the simple application form below and send it to our designated application receiver who will present your case to the Silverbacks. The club is comprised of older malcontents from the worlds of business and farming who deplore the state of present-day Centerboro and who spend many pleasant hours reminiscing about the Golden Days over coffee at a local doughnut shop. The award is named for William Bean, of course, whose innovative and profitable farming techniques were famous throughout Oteseraga County. He was the Centerboro Grange chapter president for many years and an officer of the County Farm Bureau as well. Though not opposed to technological advances and progress per se (contrary to what readers of the Freddy series have been led to believe), William had no use for the senseless vulgarity, mindless boosterism, and inane consumerism that began to fester in the heart of Centerboro after WW II. Therefore, we Silverbacks deemed him a worthy namesake for our first Internet award. Oh, by the way, the two stars stand for William and Martha, of course. We are currently working on several other awards. It irks me no end to say this, but lately other members of the Silverback Club have raised the possibility of giving the award to the Friends of Freddy for their website. If the Friends are interested, they, too, may apply just like anyone else, and if the majority of the Silverbacks vote to bestow the award...well, I won't take my case to the Supreme Court like some big crybabies do. Some FoFers will no doubt object to my having received this award since I find the repellent Freddy the Pig series to be almost completely lacking in literary merit and do not hesitate to say so, but I must point out that the award is not based upon the fictions of Walter R. Brooks, but rather derived directly from the reality of Centerboro. <Update: On 12/23/00, the Silverback Club voted to grant the award to the Friends of Freddy site.>

The Official Application Form for the "Bean Farm Approved" Award

Note: This form is disabled in the archived and CD versions of Mr. Eha's Place.

Question: Do you have a photo of the young Freddy to share? Answer: I hope this satisfies your curiosity. I picked the photograph that I believe most faithfully depicts the young Frederick Bean's incipient baseness. No doubt some of you more sentimental viewers will say, "Awwww, isn't he cute?" The more perceptive among you, however, will clearly perceive Frederick's future malevolence already stamped deeply in that porcine countenance. Isn't there present in that slouching, slumping pose the hint of a lifelong constitutional laziness and lethargy, too? I think so. Cannot one have predicted a career of...well, why go on?  By now you know my opinion of F. Bean, and I have already explored his lowness elsewhere on this site. So having given you what you asked for, I will leave bad enough alone and move on to the next question.

Question: Could I see a picture of the Busy Bee? Answer: Certainly. Here's a shot of the Busy Bee Dry Goods store from way back. If you really squint or use a magnifying glass, you might be able to make out its name on the storefront. The Busy Bee stood at the intersection of Center and Main, and as I mention elsewhere, one could find just about anything one needed there. Its wooden floors and counters were well-worn by countless shoppers, and the place certainly had a great deal more charm than the hideous parking lot which now occupies the area where once it stood. By the way, you should have said, "May I see a picture of the Busy Bee?"

Answers to Infrequently Asked Questions

• Dear G.T. Yes, readers have sent me more unpublished Freddy manuscripts, and I will be publishing my commentary upon them as soon as I've had a chance to digest their contents at leisure. And no, I do not wear Velcro sneakers when I exercise at the C.A.C. I wear a pair of New Balance 878's. However, if you continue to have trouble tying your laces owing to your arthritis, I'd would strongly urge you to switch to a pair of Velcro shoes. Just imagine what might happen if one of your unraveled laces somehow got caught in the treadmill belt! Is it worth the risk?
• Dear D.H.: I probably will finish the "All the Marbles" story sometime or other, but I've got more important things to do right now. For instance, as I write this, it is December 23, and my Hallowe'en display is still up (although hidden by several inches of snow). I really must take it down before I put up my Christmas tree tomorrow night.
• Dear M.S.: The most macabre passage in the Freddy series? Hmmmm. Perhaps the poem "From Crate to Plate" dished up in Freddy and the Men from Mars?
• Dear Mark: I believe Herb's first word in the Freddy series is "Pigs!"--but I do not recall in which book offhand.
• Dear C.B.: Certainly I am working on my eating plan for 2001. I have provisionally entitled it 2001: A Gastronomic Odyssey and it entails my eating anything I want whenever I want. As this should be description enough, I will not publish an extensive chart as I have done in the past.
• Bill, I currently employ a Dell Dimension 4100 computer, and I would recommend a Dell to anyone today, although who knows if the quality and reliability of Dell computers will continue to be better than OK in the future.
• No, Douglas, I don't think I will be laying off the state of "education" in the United States of America, and if you have been paying attention, you must realize that I do not lay blame for the pervasive stupidity of many (not all) of the youth of America upon teachers exclusively. I blame stupid parents, the stupid "entertainment" industry, the stupid schools of education in stupid colleges and stupid so-called "universities," stupid boards of education, and our stupid popular culture which inoculates the young with mind-destroying doses of stupidity as soon as the innocent little ones acquire the ability to distinguish themselves from the rest of this wretched world. I think I've about covered it all, but if you can think of anything I've missed, please do let me know.
• Dear "Trekmaster": First, I don't think 7 of 9 could give Jayne Mansfield a run for the money. Second, you really need to get a life.
• Dear Robbie: The AOL trial disks? I use them for coasters and as token Christmas gifts for the mailman, newspaper delivery person, and the meter readers. For my barber, though, I always give a gift of cash.
• Dear J.E.: The best prank I ever pulled as a kid? One night Herb, Petey, and I ran around downtown Centerboro with a small can of paint, and we changed almost all the Do Not Park signs to Do Not Bark. Herb had come up with a different idea for altering the word Park (which I leave to your imagination!), but Petey and I voted him down.
• Dear T.C.: My most embarrassing moment? Well, I've had several very humiliating experiences, but the time I aspirated a JuJu Bead during Casablanca comes first to mind.
• Dear D.J.: I have no idea what the "boing-boing" sound your modem makes could be. You'll have to ask an expert.

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