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Many
years ago, I donned this wonderful item just once to try it on for a Chamber of
Commerce Hallowe'en party and then carefully refolded it and returned it to its
mailer package. It hasn't been seen in public since. The effect was somewhat less
dramatic than I had hoped, but since it cost me only two bits, it wasn't a great
loss. I believe that this cereal premium would be worth many times its original
cost now, and I offer it here at what certainly is a reasonable price to a completely
fanatical collector of such ephemera.
$550.00 |
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Here's
a literal yard for sale and your chance to start a new life by relocating
to one of the finest older houses in Centerboro. As a personal favor, I am acting
as the sole agent for an old Centerboro family whose last Centerboro resident
has just had to be put into a nursing home. The remaining family members all live
out of state, and they are most anxious to dispose of this property before it
becomes the target of vandals. Although the house is in need of a few repairs,
it is technically in move-in condition. All the lead pipes have been replaced,
the sewer connection fixed, and the birds cleared out of the third floor and the
tower. The first floor kitchen, while not remodeled, does feature a walk-in pantry.
There are also a formal dining room, a living room, a music room complete with
a McPhail baby grand piano, and a sunroom on the first floor. The second floor
contains four spacious bedrooms and a centrally-located bath with shower.
The third floor has its charming original barred windows which date back to the
days when one of the less stable members of the family was "kept" at home. The
view from the airy, open porch is of Mayor Sibney Memorial Park. Since the curfew
was imposed on everyone under eighteen, very few of Centerboro's hooligans hang
out there anymore, and those that do are the type who prefer not to attract a
whole lot of attention. I will be glad to e-mail a complete description of this
very desirable property to those seriously interested in it. If you are not concerned
about the quality of public education in Centerboro or opportunities for lucrative
employment within fifty miles of your residence, then this house is definitely
worth a look! The asking price is a very attractive
$225,499.00 |
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Here's
just the thing for a Freddyite...a very nice pig mold from Germany
which my mother employed to make chocolates. (She also had a hen, a lamb, a duckie,
and an airplane, but I don't know what happened to them.) On the inside it says
it was made in Berlin by H. Walter. This no doubt qualifies as a "vintage" item,
although it is not "mint" in any sense. In the spirit of full disclosure, I will
admit to having used one half as an ashtray when I smoked, but it has cleaned
up nicely, and now what a splendid gift to yourself it would make! (N.B. I will
not split this item up. It's both sides of the ham or nothing.)
$500.00 |
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And
now following hard on the heels of the pig mold...a well-meaning (I think)
reader--but perhaps he was only being waggish--sent me an entire case of 5.5 oz.
cans of Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy to "test drive" for my Year 2001
Eating Plan. Personally, I found this product to be unpalatable, but you may find
it perfectly delightful. The ingredients are listed thusly: "Pork brains, milk.
Less than 2 percent: Water, corn starch, salt, sodium nitrite. (Cholesterol: 3500
mg per can, or 1170% of the daily value.)" My benefactor gave me to understand
that pork brains scrambled with eggs are quite good, but you couldn't prove it
by me. I have 23 cans left, and I will sell the lot for $23.00. If you have any
further questions about this product, you should contact The Dial Corp. at 1-800-528-0849.
By the way, my sale of this item does not imply that I am suggesting you actually
eat it or serve it to any other human being or pet. That would be up to you. De
gustibus non est disputandum! I hereby absolve myself of any physical or emotional
problems you may experience after ingesting any amount of this product. Caveat
emptor!
$23.00 |
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On
the lighter side, Walter R. Brooks fanatics will appreciate this desirable, mint
condition Mr. Ed Hallowe'en costume. Once upon a time I purchased it for one of
Cousin Dougal's offspring, and the unappreciative little so-and-so refused to
wear it. It has languished in my attic for a great number of years now, and aside
from a little atticky smell (which will vanish, I am sure, with several days airing
on a clothesline), it is in completely new condition. So, "Yak, yak, yak," and
what do you say to a mere
$279.99 |
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I
have one of these items myself, and I guarantee you'll find it as much a source
of amusement and exercise during July and August evenings as I have. I suppose
tennis players could even actually improve their arm and swing while atomizing
horse flies, June bugs, and other flying pests. For a real thrill, run through
your backyard around midnight with your eyes closed, swinging the Zapper back
and forth over your head! The "zap" emitted upon the Zapper's collision
with a good-sized moth is quite impressive, but, to be honest, not as much so
as with a large stationary model. Batteries are not included, of course. Treat
yourself and live a little for only
$100.00 |
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Here's
a swell Boomschmidt's felt pennant I'm offering for a most attractive price.
Back in the '40s and '50s, Boomschmidt's hawkers would walk up and down Main Street
during the big circus parade selling all kinds of keen souvenirs. I ran across
this one while clearing out a corner of the attic just the other week, and I believe
it's the best circus item I've put up for sale--much better than the water-damaged
poster that went for $800 in the Spring 2000 Internet Yard Sale. I used a soft-bristled
brush, warm water, and Ivory Flakes, and the "Boomschmidt's Circus" lettering
cleaned up quite well. I'm sure you'll be able to take it from there. Because
of the lovely condition of this beautiful and scarce item,
I must insist upon a price of
$1000.00 |
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FYI,
it's a teapot, not a cookie jar, and I do not know why I purchased it, although
I felt strongly compelled to at the time. I think it may have had something to
do with the eyes. And now...I cannot bear to look at it. Frankly, the darn thing
gives me the creeps, and I will be glad to part with it. I brewed just one serving
of tea in this thing and experienced mild vertigo, profuse sweating, and excessive
salivating after a couple of sips. I don't know whether it was the tea or the
materials used in the production of the teapot that produced these symptoms, but
my recommendation is that you consider this a display item only. Having added
considerably to the value of the thing by autographing it across the backside
with "BFN, Your Friend Mr. Eha" in blue permanent magic marker, I am positive
that unless you contact me now, you will miss out on this unusual piece at the
very low price of
$157.99 |
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Now
you can be the proud owner of your very own completely unique ancient Martian
fossil! I am so excited about being able to offer this fossil that I even
qualified the word "unique"! This item surely must be the partial remains
of one of the ancient creatures which originated on Earth and then somehow migrated
or were transported to Mars to evolve into the Martians of today. Compare this
with a complete fossil Martian ancestor and you'll see
what I mean. I am not at liberty to say where in New York State this fossil was
found in 1947 and in whose possession it has remained until now. I am selling
it on consignment and have not set the price myself. Consider yourself fortunate
indeed, though, if you're the first to recognize the true scientific and conversational
value of this remarkable fossil and move fast enough to acquire it for a mere
$17,500.00 |
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Here's
a special something for some lucky collector of Centerboro-related items.
It is a genuine 10K Honor Society pin from Centerboro High School dating back
to 1928, long before education tanked in most of the United States of America,
and when being a member of an academic honor society actually signified that one
knew something worth knowing and could do things worth doing. I found this pin
in a box of otherwise worthless trinkets at a Kiwanis rummage sale. The pin is
about halfway between a dime and a nickel in size, and its gold content isn't
worth very much, but for Freddy fans (and any fans or descendants of Mable Dietz),
this item is priceless. However, since I do have to place some kind of monetary
value on it, let's say it's yours for
$125.00 |
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The
whole story of this book is told in FAQ #20, so I won't
occupy you with the details here, except to say that this is one of my three mint,
unopened and therefore unread copies of a Freddy title that
was briefly for sale before my cousin Dougal the lawyer and I forced it off the
shelves and into oblivion. I am offering all three copies for sale because I need
the capital for a major project of interplanetary dimensions. The price is more
than what I usually ask for Freddy titles (i.e., $1.00), but this isn't
really a Freddy title, is it? Besides, this project I'm involved
in is extremely important. I have a fourth copy which is in ragged, frequently-read
condition and which would be of no interest to anyone but me. The discriminating
collector of Freddy books is, of course, thoroughly familiar with this title's
later incarnation Freddy Goes Camping, and he or she will waste no time
in plunking down the asking price for this rarity which will prove to be both
a wise financial investment as well as a valuable source for research into the
Freddy canon. If you are an authentic Freddyite, even the likelihood
of having to take out a home equity loan to cover the cost of this unique opportunity
will not deter you! You owe it to yourself to grab one, two, or all three copies
for only
$7,500 each |
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Isn't
this spectacular? Yes, it is! This nicely-framed black and white photograph
of the Beans' farmhouse will certainly cause wallets and purses to spring wide
open instantly. It dates to just a couple of months before the house burned down
owing to William's pipe, which ironically survived the blaze in pretty good shape.
You can make out the elderly Martha and William on the porch, and yes, that's
the rain barrel on the side of the house all right. If you would prefer to frame
this item yourself, that's fine by me, but the cost with or without the frame
is the same, so don't e-mail me to ask if I'll shave a couple of bucks off if
you don't want the frame. You'd better get to the bank quickly, because this one
is going to go fast!
$892.00 |
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And
finally, this old item used to hang from a tree limb by the chicken shed on the
Bean farm. Although it is a bit rusty, I'm sure a little elbow grease and a wire
brush will restore this chicken hanger quite nicely. William would suspend a number
of chickens on the hooks (some still pretty wickedly sharp) of this vintage device
before final preparations for market or for his own table. Having seen the hanger
employed any number of times by William when I visited the farm as a youngster,
I recognized it immediately when I saw it in an antique shop in South Pharisee
about ten or twelve years ago. I have been using it as a general purpose hanger
in my toolshed, but after having been gashed rather badly in the temple by it
the other day and having had to receive a couple of stitches and a tetanus shot
as a result, I've decided to put it up for sale for what any serious collector
of Bean Farmiana would regard as a truly fair price. This pointed reminder
of the difference between the real Bean Farm and its fictional image can be yours
for only
$699.99 |
